


Letting Go

by lildarkone



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 17:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9396254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lildarkone/pseuds/lildarkone
Summary: They've escaped Silas, but not the past.  At a pit stop on their road to freedom Carmilla and Laura make a detour so the ex-vampire can maybe finally say goodbye to a few of her ghosts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is actually based off the gorgeous picture by pixelphonic that I found on Tumblr and they gave me permission to use it as inspiration for this piece. (here's the link: http://pixelphonic.tumblr.com/post/154562001341) Any mistakes are my own, but I hope y'all enjoy ^.^

When they had arrived late last night, well after midnight it had been a tired, beaten bunch.  She, Carmilla, Kirsch, LaF, Perry, Danny, and Mel had packed a few things, piled into a school van and drove.  They drove as far as they could have gotten on a tank of gas, which was the nearby town of Durnstein.  They had found a place to park and just sat for awhile, letting the horrors of what they’d just gone through wash over them.  Nary a word was said as they finally piled out and found a place to stay.  Thankfully the old woman who ran the small hotel had taken one look at their bedraggled state and took pity on them, ushering them into rooms, tuttering all the while like a mother hen. 

There are only been one room, but they were fine with that.  None of them were quite ready to be seperated yet anyway.  They all crammed together in the single room, finding whatever available space they could and hunkering down.  No one spoke, still digesting what they had gone through until exhaustion finally won out.  Lauren had fallen asleep in Carmilla’s arms as they had sat beneath the large window, fallen asleep to the sound of the steady heartbeat, to the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest.

Sometime later, Lauren didn’t know when exactly, she was woken by Carmilla shifting.  She had laid there, listening to the soft sounds of sleep from those around her, before lifting her head and looking up into her girlfriend’s face.  It was clouded by the dark of the night, highlighted by the moon that trickled between the clouds overhead.  “Have you slept at all?”  She asked softly, not wanting to break the peace of the room, the first real peace any of them had had in so long.

“No,” Carmilla all but breathed, the words little more than a puff of air as her eyes moved from the window for the first time in a while.  “I can’t seem to relax enough to.”

Lauren started to pull away, feeling guilty she’d fallen asleep on the other girl.  Carmilla shook her head and kept her hands on Laura’s hips.  “No, it’s not that.  I…I need you close right now.”

The words brought Laura up short, hearing the sadness and her heart clenched.  Taking the hands on her hips within her own she moved to straddle Carmilla’s lap, keeping one another close but allowing her to see her face.  “We’re free, Carmilla.  You’re free.”  Her hands wrapped around Carmilla’s, still disoriented by the warm skin.  It would take some getting used to, but she was looking forward to it.  She wanted to.

“Am I?”  Carmilla breathed, the sound so desperate and yearning for an answer it broke Lauren’s heart.  Dark eyes swirled with tumultuous emotions.  “I’m human now…but I can still feel Mother in my head.  I can still feel that old emptiness in my chest like an abyss that won’t close.”  Her eyes moved back to the window, to the looming castle on the hill.  “The last time my heart beat was up there,” She whispered, almost as an afterthought.  Lauren’s eyes widened before her head whipped around to stare up the hill, at the castle so close.

“What?  That’s…your old home has been that close?”

“Yes.  It was one reason Mother had been in the area at the time, she’d been looking for Lophiiformes.  It had been torture, to have my old home so close, but not able to come back.  When I…after I escaped the coffin, I’d stopped here, to see what had happened…my family was already gone.  Rumor and whispers told me they’d left the area, broken after my death.  No one ever bought the place because of my murder, so I stayed there for a time.”  The words trailed off as Carmilla became lost in the memory.  Lauren watched her retreat, her heart further breaking as she listened.  She couldn’t imagine what it would be like, to live so close to a place that you once loved and have the constant reminder of what was over.

Her palm brushed against Carmilla’s jaw and neck before cupping the back of her head.  “You are free now Carmilla.  Free to be the young woman that your mother killed.  Free to laugh and cry and live like you were supposed to.”

“Live,” Carmilla half laughed, like the idea was ludicrous.  “I’ve spent centuries killing and surviving.  I'm not sure I know how to live anymore.”

“That’s why you’re going to come home with me and I’ll show you,” Lauren said brightly, bringing her other hand up to cup Carmilla’s face and bring their gazes together.  “You have survived and you continue to do so.  Now you get to live.”

Carmilla dipped her head forward, Laura tilting her head up so their foreheads met.  “You’ve destroyed, shook up, and put my life back together.”

“I think I can say the same, Carm,” Laura laughed, the air between them warmed by laughter and promise.  Tilting her head, she captured Carmilla’s lips.  There is a sharp intake of breath before Carmilla melts into the kiss, surrendering into it. 

Her hands roam down the lean expanse of Laura’s back, feeling the muscles shift as Laura rose onto her knees.  The kiss deepens and Carmilla gets lost in the sweet, familiar sensation.  She felt Laura’s chest press against hers, firmly enough to feel the younger woman’s heartbeat against her own ribs.  It took a moment before she realized she could feel her own heart beating just as strongly.  It was so foreign, so startling that she pulled back with a gasp, one hand reaching p to press against her chest.  It felt like it was going to break through her ribs.

Laura’s hand pressed against Carmilla’s.  “You’re safe and alive.  We all are.”

-=-

It had been Laura’s idea to go up to the place, as a way for Carmilla to maybe get some closure before they left for America.  Carmilla had been surprised, but finally agreed to the idea.  They had left a note for the others that they’d be back before the afternoon, when Laura’s father was going to come get them.  With directions from the woman at the front desk in their pocket, they slipped out into the very early morning and drove up to the castle gates.  The place was enormous, at least to Laura.  The massive grounds surrounding the two-story manor were overgrown and foreboding in the moonlight.  Neither spoke a word.  Occasionally Laura had glanced over at Carmilla and seen the far-off look in her eyes.  She wondered what she saw, if she saw the broken skeletons of trees, or the picturesque grounds it must have once been.  She didn’t ask, she didn’t push.  Carmilla needed this time and Laura was going to give it to her.  She just kept her hand within Carmilla's, letting her know she wasn't alone.

They parked in front of the building and Laura turned off the car, both sitting in the quiet, Carmilla looking up at the manor and Laura looking at Carmilla.  Neither moved for a while.

-=-

The place was quiet, the grey of morning filtering in through the large cloudy windows.  Sheets covered much of the furniture and portraits, thick dust and cobwebs covering everything else.  It desaturated the metals, woods, and fabrics that once had to have been vibrant and gleaming.  Laura gazed around, her mind picturing servants moving about the hall, preparing the place for a grand ball, guests filling the corners and swaying in the grand ball room she’d just past.  What this place must have been like at the height of the Karnstein rule.

She continued walking through the corridors, careful to split her attention between the aged majesty around her, and the rotting floorboards.  Carmilla had told her to be careful, to not wander too far because the place was ancient and hadn’t had anyone to look after it in a very long time.  While Carmilla had kept her childhood home, and visited on the occasions through the years, she hadn’t had the time to deal with its upkeep.  It had helped anyways, she’d found, the more decrepit it had got, the more ghost stories had circulated the nearby villages, keeping snoops and vandals far away.

Well not all snoops, Laura thought with a small smile as she entered a small room.  Carmilla had said she needed some time alone so Laura had given it to her, departing with a gentle kiss and promise to be close by before leaving the study that Carmilla had holed up in.  In this room two large floor to ceiling windows allowed in light, illuminating a room as dusty and faded as everything else.  Just to her left was a waist tall fireplace, long since cold and still holding onto a few petrified lumps.  Her eyes traveled around the small room, taking it all in.  Every room, though empty, still seemed to bring to life the stories that Carmilla had told her; of sneaking into the kitchens as a child to secret a sweet from the kindly old cook, standing in the dance hall with the other debutantes, exploring the grounds when she was supposed to be completing her lessons.

As she explored she could just picture a younger Carmilla running about, smiling and so full of life as every child should be.  She tried so hard not to think of the final ball, the final night of Carmilla’s too short life and the first night of her endless undead one.

“Oh my…” Laura breathed, coming up short when she spotted the large portrait that hung dominant on one wall.  It hung in a thick gilded frame, a face so familiar yet foreign peeked from behind the same layer of dust that clung to everything else.  Laura stepped forward and reached up, tracing the four thick slashes that tore through the bottom of the painting, splashed with a dark brown that Laura knew the original artist didn’t put there.  She tore her eyes away and moved to look up at the portrait proper.  There Carmilla was, or Mircalla as she had once been called, looking resplendent in a white and sky blue dress with a blood red sash waterfalling down one shoulder.  Laura couldn’t help but think it looked like blood.  How appropriate.

Her eyes traveled back to the slash marks.  Reaching up she lined her own hand up to the marks and found that her hand matched almost exactly.  The wonder became an acute pain in her heart as she realized what, or who, had made the slashes.  “Oh Carm,” She breathed, stepping back.

“That was such a boring session,” A soft voice spoke up behind Laura, startling the young woman.  She whirled around to see Carmilla leaning against the door frame, still rumpled from sleep.  “All of them where.  It took…four sessions if I remember right,” Carmilla continued, pushing off from the door frame and coming to stand next to her lover so she could look up at the portrait as well.  “I hated it, but Father insisted on a new one every year.  He had that dress shipped in from France.  God it itched.”

Laura chuckled as she imagined a young Carmilla, fidgeting in her gown, tugging at the collar and being scolded for moving.  She wrapped her arms around Carmilla’s waist, snuggling close to her as the morning chill finally seemed to seep in.  “It looks like it.  When my friend Dorothy dragged me to a Renaissance Fair I ended up in something like this.  I could barely breath.”  Laura chuckled at the memory, but paused when she felt the form beside her stiffen.  She looked up to see a strange look on her lover’s face.  “What?”

“While I’m kind of enjoying the image, not liking the thought of some other girl enjoying it either,” Carmilla grumped.

Laura rolled her eyes, but smiled as she pulled Carmilla around to face her, “Trust me she wasn’t enjoying it much either, because it Connie, her girlfriend, that had the idea to dress authentically.  We just got roped in.”  Instantly Carmilla relaxed and got a sheepish look on her face.

“Yeah they look nice, but they were never comfortable,” Carmilla said, looking up at the portrait while Laura looked up at her.  Tension had returned to her body, but this was different.  Her entire body was so still it was almost like when she was a vampire and forgot to breathe.  She rubbed her hands up and down her back, willing Carmilla to not let herself be taken by the demons that still haunted her.  Leaning forward Laura dropped a kiss on the skin exposed by the vee of her shirt, lingering just a moment there before moving up her neck to the soft pulse.  It wasn’t a touch meant to inflame, but one to remind.  To remind Carmilla that the past was dead, remind Laura that they’d survived, remind them both that they were together and safe.

The touch of Laura’s lips against her skin caused Carmilla to draw in a deep breath, and she tightened her hold around her.  It was still strange to not have to constantly worry about being soft with Laura to not accidently injure her.  She didn’t have to constantly watch and control herself.  She could hug the younger woman as tightly as she wanted and it had something she had done often since they had left the ruins of Silas.  And it was what she did now, she buried her face into the crook of Laura’s neck and held her close.

Laura looked up, willing away the tears as she felt the desperate, almost painful hug that Carmilla was giving her.  Instead she wrapped her arms around the young woman and held her tight.  She pressed her lips to Carmilla’s temple and whispered words of assurance to her, running her hands over the steel tense back.  Warm tears dripped onto her neck and Laura held her tighter.

“I never got to say goodbye to my father, mother, or my sisters,” Carmilla whispered, breaking Laura’s already hurting heart.  "I never…got to see if my sisters got married like they always wanted.  Never got to tease Rebekka about those poofy dresses she loved so much…never got to hear my mother sing to me when I was sick…” each word became harder and harder for Carmilla to say until she was sobbing.  Her legs gave out under her and both crumpled to the ground.

Carmilla burrowed into Laura’s arms, clinging to her as centuries of ghosts and memories escaped from behind the walls and barriers she’d thrown up for so long.  And for the first time in so long she didn’t fight it.  Her fingers tangled into Laura’s shirt as an anchor against the maelstrom that was trying to shake her apart.  Memories flooded her; summers spent riding in the fields, teasing Rebekka as she got fitted for another dress, being teased in return when Carmilla had to do her own fitting, nights spent in her father’s study, listening to him tell tales of his travels, learning how to dance from her mother and all of them ending up giggling uncontrollably.

After a time, the deep, wracking sobs quieted to small sniffles.  Laura kept her arms around Carmilla, whispering softly into her ear and running her hands through the long black locks.  She didn’t know what to say that would do any good.  She could barely understand the type of pain that Carmilla must be feeling, the closest she’d come was the loss of her own mother.  The hollow feeling in her stomach when she’d walk through the house and expect her mother to be there in the kitchen making dinner, or in the study working on her book.  Her heart broke as she realized how this must be a thousand times worse for Carmilla.  _‘Oh Carmilla I’m so sorry,’_ She thought mournfully, wishing now she hadn’t suggested this.  She was pulled from her self-deprecating thoughts by Carmilla stirring.

Carmilla sat back on her haunches, head bowed as she tried to pull herself together.  Her head pounded from the massive cry and she was sure she looked like crap, there was a lightness in her that she hadn’t felt in some time.  She lifted her head to look around the room, her old room.  The ghosts were still here, just out of the corner of her eye or whispering around the corridor, but they were now more bittersweet then agonizing.  _‘I love you,’_ She sent out to her long departed family.  By tomorrow night they were going to be leaving for America, she probably wouldn’t ever come back.  As much as it hurt, she knew this is what needed to happen.  Dark eyes looked at the young woman still clutching her hand.  To think this impetuous, naive, beautiful young girl had been the catalyst to so much.  She’d given an undead, miserable vampire the means and desire to live again.  Leaning forward she pressed a kiss to Laura’s lips, hoping to convey the litany of emotions that were running through her at that moment.

Laura was surprised, but melted into the kiss.  It was quick, a press of lips to lips, but the emotion were strong regardless.  When they broke apart she was smiling brightly, seeing the lightness in Carmilla’s eyes that she hadn’t seen…ever.

Carmilla shifted and stood, pulling Laura up with her.  “It’s time to go home,” She said, taking Laura’s hand and tugging her towards the door.  Together they walked out of the home, out of the past and back towards their friends and home.


End file.
